Shame hates it when you show up
We’ve lost so much of our lives to internalized shame. It’s time to take them back.
I used to go to a boutique boxing gym that held classes under blue lights and every time I went there I felt a vague sense of shame and not belonging. Everyone who attended looked like they stepped straight out of a magazine; meanwhile, I would scurry out of the gym in my mismatched outfit and tomato-red face, hair slicked back with sweat, barely making eye contact or speaking to anyone.
Even though the gym never felt like a community, I was bummed when it shut down during the pandemic. I turned to running for a bit, but I missed the structure and energy of taking classes. So I tried looking for another gym under the same blue lights, where I could be safely invisible, but couldn’t find one that worked for me.
Eventually, I had to face it: If I wanted to start taking classes again, I had to get over my fear of being judged and looking silly because I didn't know how to use most gym equipment.
Fast forward a couple of years and the gym has become an essential part of my life, not only bolstering my mental and physical health, but giving me an incredible group of friends that cheers each other on. Last week I even competed my first Hyrox competition — an event that involves eight rounds of circuit exercises like wall balls, farmer’s carry, burpee broad jumps, etc. with about a mile of running in between. But that never would have happened if I never pushed past my fear of being judged.
This got me thinking: how much of our lives have we lost to shame? How much of our lives have we spent holding ourselves back, trying to measure the appropriate amount of living without offending anyone else or taking up too much space?
I’ve spent a long time hiding, while at the same time, hoping to be seen. And I’ve spent a lot of time half-committing or dipping my toes into things and even denying myself things I wanted to try because I was scared of looking stupid and of not being good enough.
But I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be brave.
This got me thinking: how much of our lives have we lost to shame? How much of our lives have we spent holding ourselves back, trying to measure the appropriate amount of living without offending anyone else or taking up too much space?
I’m not talking about taking up space in an arbitrary, unintentional way like the people who seem to suck all the oxygen out of every room, the people who think they have to be the loudest or the shiniest or the most dominating to be the most empowered. I’m talking about stepping into your power in an authentic way, in a way that minimizes the cowering and the tiptoeing around the life you want to be living because of the fear of being too-much and altogether not enough.
And so I ask you to consider: what has shame taken from you? For me, it has robbed me of time and driven me to make these endless calculations about how I should show up in the world instead of just showing up. It has robbed me of peace of knowing that it’s ok to not be fully formed, it’s ok to show up messily, and it’s ok to be seen trying.
Shame isn’t just an emotion. It’s often a coping mechanism that persuades us that playing small is more worthwhile and safer than the risk of being seen.
But as much as shame protects us, it also harms us with its relentless lies. Stay small, settle, and stay in your lane. Otherwise you’re cringe and embarrassing. Hide those imperfect, messy parts of you at all costs. Shrink.
As powerful as shame is though, there’s one thing I know for sure: it hates when you show up. It hates when you talk back, when you claim your space in this world, when you reject the myths that everything should just come effortlessly and that you need to fold yourself into the most uncontroversial, palatable, one-dimensional version of yourself.
As powerful as shame is though, there’s one thing I know for sure: it hates when you show up. It hates when you talk back, when you claim your space in this world, when you reject the myths that everything should just come effortlessly and that you need to fold yourself into the most uncontroversial, palatable, one-dimensional version of yourself.
So here’s my challenge to you: pick an area of your life where shame hangs out, creeping on you like a wide-eyed hawk ready to pull you back anytime you venture into taking up space. Talk to it directly and tell it you’re not going to let it control your life anymore. Thank it for the protection, but remind it of your capability. If you fail, you’ll get back up again. If people judge you, you’ll brush it off.
Show up, because this is your life and at the end of it, everything falls away and all you’re left with is how you spent this limited time. For you to be here now, in this moment, exactly as you are is nothing short of miraculous, and it would be a damn shame to spend it playing small because shame convinced you you weren’t worthy. Step out of the blue lights and take up your rightful space.