You will emerge from the cocoon 🦋

People have overcome their worst moments—they have found joy, they have found better tools to work with themselves, they have bettered their mental health—and you can and will too.

CW: mention of sexual assault, suicide (Go to the first bold heading to skip details on these topics).

Rita is a 69-year-old woman who tells her therapist during her intake that if things don’t radically improve within a year, she plans to end her life. Her existence feels meaningless, painful, and utterly hopeless. Thrice divorced, one of her ex-husbands was physically abusive and her adult children no longer speak to her because they resent her for not intervening in his violence.

Then there’s John, a man who’s described as having narcissistic personality disorder who starts seeking therapy because his marriage is in shambles and he’s stressed with work. The guy makes a slew of inappropriate comments; he thinks everyone is an “idiot” and has the shortest fuse. Turns out his six-year-old son Gabe died in a car accident and he was at the wheel when it happened — he’s been carrying blame, grief, and misplaced anger around with him for years.

Danny lost his wife and daughter when they were crossing the street and struck by a car. He had not only been abandoned by his own family as a child, but he was also sexually abused at the hands of priests at a residential school in Canada.

Peter was locked in an attic during crucial developmental years with no one to keep him company and nothing to entertain him, except a plastic toy piano. The toy piano became his best friend until his abusive mother took it away and smashed it one day, leaving him bereft. As an adult, he threw himself into a music career, but found himself leading a lonely existence and unable to genuinely connect with others.

Alana’s father and his friends sexually assaulted her, while Madeline’s mom starved her and called her “a monster” regularly (now in her 40s, Madeline has undergone treatment for four different types of cancer). Laura’s father likely killed her mother, leaving her and her younger siblings to live alone in the woods for six months.

STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW (START HERE TO SKIP CONTENT IN THE WARNING) —>

These are just a brief summary of the stories shared in the books “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb and “Good Morning, Monster: A Therapist Shares Five Heroic Stories of Emotional Recovery” by Catherine Gildiner. Both books are about the human experience, specifically through the lenses of two therapists who have worked with these clients for years, bearing witness as they walked through some of the darkest moments of their lives.

I picked up these books for a couple of reasons; most obviously, I’m curious about how therapists build relationships with clients and work with them effectively. But additionally, I’ve always been in awe how STRONG people are, even though they shouldn’t have had to be strong, and how much resilience people display even in the toughest of circumstances.

Of course, I never, ever, ever want to glamorize emotionally distressing and traumatic things that happen. There is no rhyme or reason. The people whose stories are highlighted in these books shouldn’t have had to go through what they went through (and what I’ve included here is only a snippet of their experiences — I would recommend reading these books in full if you’re able).

The cliche “turn your pain into power” is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And the saying that there’s “purpose in your pain,” however well-intentioned it may be — and I acknowledge it is often well-intentioned — is not only not always appropriate, but is also of little comfort and can be invalidating to someone who has endured unimaginable circumstances.

Do not tell people that their hardship, trauma, and/or depression, anxiety, grief, etc. makes them stronger or is some sort of character building exercise.

I’m not saying this can never be the case. Speaking only from my personal experience, sometimes it is true that “the wound is where the light enters you.” I would not be as invested in destigmatizing mental health had I not gone through my own struggles. My friend says it’s called a “wounded healer” for a reason; to me and to many of the people I know, mental health advocacy is deeply personal.

I don’t know what you’re currently facing in your life, but I do know what it’s like to wonder if you’re going to get to the other side and if there are actually brighter, happier days ahead of you. I’m not a psychic, so I can’t tell you how it’s all going to unfold but here’s what I can tell you with absolute certainty: you are so much stronger than you know and you have already overcome so much to get to where you are today. You have already overcome your most difficult moments to date, and therefore you have a track record of exhibiting strength beyond belief. There were moments that could have broken you and maybe at the time it did feel like you were breaking or that you had broken beyond repair, but somehow you held on and somehow you are here today, and that is something that is not to be taken lightly.

That being said, I am so sorry that you had to be strong, that you were placed in circumstances that called on you to summon every ounce of strength you had, but I am also so, so proud of you.

Here’s something else I know for sure: you are strong, yes, but more importantly, you’re worthy. You’re worthy of those brighter, happier days, even if the inner critic and the cognitive distortions have you convinced otherwise.

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly”

I recently got my third — and what I swear is my last — tattoo (but ya know, famous last words).

It’s a butterfly on my right arm.

The symbol is self-explanatory: transformation, growth, change, evolution, liberation.

All things that sound great, right?

But there’s something else the tattoo reminds me, and that is, change is NOT easy — an idea that’s also captured by one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes: “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it had to go through to get there.”

Since getting the tattoo, I’ve noticed three other people who also have butterfly tattoos, and 0 who have a cocoon tattooed on them.

So what am I to take from this?

In my scientific opinion, being in the cocoon — aka a period of darkness in your life — sucks. In the cocoon, you don't know what's happening beyond the obscurity and isolation you’re faced with. You don’t know when you’re getting out of that cocoon, nor do you have any guarantee that you ARE getting out of that cocoon. Maybe an animal or some severe weather knocks you off your leaf.

Good news, though: unlike the cocoon, when we get knocked down we can get back up.

We’ve done it before.

And each and every one of the people who were featured in “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” and “Good Morning Monster” did so too.

Rita, for example, the woman who wanted to die by suicide, reconnected with her children, accepted love, pursued her creative life, and has built a life of joy, per Gottlieb’s update. John and his wife worked through their grief over losing their son together and built a better marriage. Danny became a respected leader in Indigenous communities, and in so doing, built a beautiful partnership and helped facilitate others’ healing. Peter went on to become a storied pianist and found love. Alana cultivated peace, community, and intellectual pursuits. Madeline and Laura reinvented their self-concepts, released compulsive fears, improved their physical health, learned to be vulnerable and open themselves to love, and found purpose beyond work.

It’s not easy and the process is never linear — even when the butterfly has emerged from the cocoon, it still has to hide to protect its wings when it rains — but healing and good things can happen for you, just like they happened for these people.

Whatever your past or current circumstances may be, you are not destined to be in the cocoon forever. Remember: darkness precedes lightness, sadness precedes happiness, the breakdown precedes the breakthrough.

You haven’t met all the versions of yourself yet nor have you experienced everything you’re meant to experience yet. I know it’s hard when you feel like you’re in that cocoon and you don’t know when you’re getting out. But I also believe enough for the both of us that you will emerge a beautiful butterfly.

Note: I know that accessing mental health care can feel frustratingly difficult, but please know that there are resources, there is help, and most importantly, there is hope. You deserve every tool available to support your emotional well-being.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.